Burn baby Burn

I am headed to the desert. The middle of the desert, to be specific. No running water. No electricity. No shade. No cell phone, No internet, No bathroom,No kids. No husband. One week.

Burning Man.

A radical art festival that nourishes my soul. I have been once before, a couple of years ago and it was transformative. It changed the way I see myself, treat myself and express myself. I am hoping for a refresher next week. There will be lots of dust, blazing heat and my artsy, hippie friends. This is "me" time. I spend one week replenishing my creative energy that composes the center of who I am. It takes an extreme enviornment for me to let go. I can't call and check on the kids, I can't check my email. I have no choice but to sit back and let it all go. I am enjoying the ride.

Lost and Found.

It finally happened. It was probably inevitable with 3 kids and my crazy life. I lost one of them. We were at the beach, it was time to go and we packed up and left. I thought hubby had the baby, he thought I did and we were not walking together so we didn't notice that he wasn't with us. We made it all the way back to the car ( a 10 min walk) before I caught up to hubby and we realize. Panic. I always thought about what I would do, or how it would feel but there is no preparing for that moment. My mind went blank and I dropped my bags in the middle of the street and just started running, faster and faster, screaming his name. Through the parking lot and weaving through moving cars. It didn't feel real, so I wasn't crying. I don't even know where hubby was or what he was doing, I was just running as fast I could back to the beach. I heard him before I saw him, a mom can always recognize her children's screams. His screams were a huge relief. He was alive. Frantic searching to pinpoint his screaming, I found him in the arms of a stranger. A woman who looked almost as panicked as me. She must have recognized the look of terror in my eyes because before either one of us could speak, she was handing me my scared baby. Once he was in my arms the walls closed in an I started sobbing into his sandy brown hair, squeezing him so tightly. Moments later hubby and the other kids ran up behind me.

Of course, all of the "what ifs" ran through my mind. But the one that stuck was " I am a bad mom" Hubby must known immediately what I was thinking because he said "we made a mistake, you not a bad mom". It's a mute point. I made the worst mistake a Mother could ever make. I am not going to dwell, I am going to take it as a sign that I need to slow down. I need to refocus back on my family and less on work and other distractions. I have been feeling very lost lately and this was a huge eye opener for me. Today I am grateful for strangers who watched over my baby and the opportunity to take a step back and reevaluate my priorities.